Our Journey
This blog provides another layer and compilation of my personal and professional experiences, perspectives and insights. While many of the themes overlap into my services and programming, this will touch upon deeper and more specific aspects.
47,646
Does the number 47,646 mean anything to you? It should.
Forty-seven thousand, six hundred and forth-six individuals died by suicide in the U.S. in 2021. To put that into perspective, imagine Fenway Park packed to full capacity (37,731) plus another almost 10,000 people and that is the number of individuals that ended their own lives in 2021 in the U.S.
Additionally, please consider these other staggering facts:
1. Suicide was among the top 9 causes of death for ages 10-64 in 2020
2. It was the 2nd leading cause of death for ages 10-14 and 25-34 in 2020
3. 1 in every 25 attempts result in suicide
4. That is a death every 11 minutes
5. 12.2 million adults thought about suicide
6. 3.2 million had a plan
7. 1.2 million attempted suicide
The most staggering fact of all...suicide is preventable.
We understandably reel from the news every time we hear that someone has died by suicide. We concur that it is the worst possible scenario, painfully tragic beyond words and hastily remind each other that nothing is bad enough for that to be the answer. We ask ourselves how it could be...yet we know the answer. We know the facts yet what do we do with that information? In most instances, we uncomfortably contemplate the info for a moment but unless it relates to ourselves or someone we know or love, we as quickly move on from it trying to avoid it from making us squirm and feel so sad. We continue to stigmatize mental health struggles, allowing ourselves to be convinced that all is ok with a smile, forcing so many to struggle alone in silence. We often don't actively listen or even ask the tough questions, despite knowing the huge myth that talking about suicide gives someone the idea to consider/attempt it. We allow our own discomfort to prevent us from providing life-saving interventions all the time.
If we're not part of the solution then we're part of the problem.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) developed the Suicide Prevention Resource for Action, which provides information on the best available evidence for suicide prevention for individuals and communities.
According to the National Institute for Mental Health (NIMH) in most cases, there are warning signs of suicide. These are some examples:
Talking about:
* Wanting to die
* Great guilt or shame
* Being a burden to others
Feeling:
* Empty, hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live
* Extremely sad, more anxious, agitated, or full of rage
* Unbearable emotional or physical pain
Changing behavior, such as:
* Making a plan or researching ways to die
* Withdrawing from friends, saying goodbye, giving away important items, or making a will
* Taking dangerous risks such as driving extremely fast
* Displaying extreme mood swings
* Eating or sleeping more or less
* Using substances (drugs or alcohol) more often
* Change from their baseline (ie: typically is very productive and suddenly is not, typically a couch potato is suddenly full of energy)
If these warning signs apply to you or someone you know, get help as soon as possible, particularly if the behavior is new or has increased recently.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or text 988
Chat at 988lifeline.org
Crisis Text Line
Text “HELLO” to 741741
Samaritans
The good news...more than 90% of those that have attempted suicide and survived do not go on to die by suicide AND many heroes don't wear capes, they ask questions and actively listen...ensuring that we all feel relevant and heard.
Who Knew?
This is exactly a year ago today. At the time, it was merely the day after our 28th wedding anniversary. I was feeling a bit bummed because Tommy's relentless vomiting that prevented us from celebrating the night before, landed us in the Emergency Department on a Friday night. Having had worked in the ED for many years...I avoided it at all costs especially on a Friday or Saturday night...unless deemed absolutely necessary. After waiting for countless hours, they managed to interrupt Tommy's violent puking cycle sending him home with Zofran and well wishes. Who knew we were creeping up the initial hill of the unpredictable roller coaster that we've ridden for the duration of 2022? Would we have done anything differently?
I was already feeling pretty fragile at that time, trying to navigate the sudden onset of extreme waves of emotion starting in September 2021. I couldn't make any sense of it especially since life was feeling more stable than it had in a very long time. Ironically, the only other time in my life that I had suffered from emotional distress to this degree was in late summer/early fall 2001 with a short period of post partum depression, after having our 4th child, JT. Was I preparing myself for what was yet to come?
So, I had spent the better part of fall 2021, trying to give myself the needed space to ground myself while also keeping the world in the dark on how I was feeling. When I wasn't a wreck, I was beating myself up for being one and I couldn't manage to give myself the same grace that I would give anyone else. By 12/3/21, the emotional ups and downs had somewhat plateaued but my breaking point was constantly teetering just under the surface. Who knew that within days my limits would be tested yet again beyond measure?
Since 12/3/21, I have directly and/or indirectly been impacted by more medical complexities than any one person should ever face. They've included: osteomyelitis, 2 PIC lines, 2 feeding tubes, 8 trips to the OR, countless wound vacs and drains, 2 shunt taps, 2 shunt revisions, spinal detethering, ruling out of 2 cancers, an injured AC joint, 53 hospital overnights, a fistula, arthritis, 9 cases of COVID, COVID again and 192 days of someone being bed-ridden. Aside from medical issues, I've also had 2 beloved family friends attempt suicide, fortunately unsuccessfully, and we lost the patriarch of our family. We've also had great opportunities to celebrate; graduations, new jobs, weddings, birthdays but they often get lost in the shuffle when being in autopilot.
I was so ill equipped in this picture and fortunately, had no idea what was yet to come. I'm not sharing all of this for any other reason than these 3:
1. I was in total survival mode and very few knew. Despite being surrounded by peole in some of the busiest hospitals in the world, I felt alone and isolated. The few times that I left the hospital or our home infirmary, I was always so taken aback by the clear fact that the rest of the world was still happily spinning while it felt like ours was spiraling uncontrollably.
Reminder: take the time to actually notice the realities of others. Genuinely ask someone how they are and make the time to actively listen to their answer.
2. The importance of self-care. As previously mentioned, I was already struggling and running on fumes at this time. Fortunately, due to the love and support of my peeps, we were able to get through it all but my body, mind and soul were all pissed and it's taken me awhile to get them back.
Reminder: we never know what to expect so take care of yourself enough to be prepared for the unexpected.
3. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. Regardless of your reality...you are not alone.
Reminder: I see you, I hear you, I love you.
The good news is, exactly a year ago, I had no idea how I was going to get through that day. Today, everyone is happily healthy and I barely have enough time to do everything I want to do.
Lesson of 2022, love and nurture ourselves and eachother plentifully so we're living our best lives while also preparing for the just in case.